I tried.  I really did.  I tried to listen to speeches, and watch the debates without throwing things at the TV.  I sat there and manually held my eyelids open with my thumbs and index fingers.  I spent two days addressing everyone as “My friends…”.

However, I really don’t give a rat’s ass about Rhonda the Real Estate Agent or Betty the Baker or Menochim the Mailman.

I realized, nothing - NOTHING - is as captivating as a ShamWow infomercial.

Check out Vince’s hair.  Much more interesting than John Mc Cain’s.  He has carpeting.  I have carpeting.  Cola, wine, coffee, pet stains, fear of mildew - the man obviously speaks my language.  It has a 10-year warranty.  I need security in these troubled times!  He only wears a ShamWow polo, and not a wardrobe that demands explanation.  It’s not available in stores and it’s made in exotic Germany.   “Not available in stores” speaks directly to my American sensibilities.  I must have it.

You can keep your election, America.   I’ll be very busy sucking liquids out of my carpeting with a super-absorbent towel that I can afford.

You heard me.